Meteorite Shower.

Sometimes I wonder if she puts down all my dreams just to hold me back.
Why can't she show me half the support she shows them.
Why does she always give me the false belief that she cares?

How the stickers for his bike are more important than me being late for work ( which is a result of her false information ) I can never understand.

Why I always need that affirmation from her I can never understand either.

I want so much to leave and abandon the life as I know it.
I want so much to have a clean slate so nobody is there to judge.

I want to be able to laugh at this ridiculous affection.

I want to be with my rolling rocks, marlboro and ranger boyfriend right now.

Feels like there's too much anger in me right now.

FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! FUCKING BIASED MOTHER OF MINE!

Definitely too much anger in me right now.

Tell them I don't care.

There's not a road I know, that leads to anywhere.

Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark,

Lay right down, decide not to go on.

Can't write what I say,

Can't say what I write.

Everytime I try,

My tongue gets too tied.

So take in one big breath,

Maybe make that two.

For at this very moment,

My broken Spanish shall do..

Mi corazon es 2000 dolares away.

Interview tomorrow. Another one those companies who I know I won't wanna work at. To begin with, its website creeps me out. Half of its content was incomplete and half of the remaining half was lifted from the marketing textbook anyway. Weird company policy.

Needless to say, I wasn't able to gather much company info to prep myself for tomorrow. I did however, manage to stumble upon their ambition for 2015:

" To give 1 million presentations daily. "

Reach for the skies baby.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother applying for jobs at these places I don't really like. Nicely put, I'm giving myself more exposures to interview stress. But why do this when I know that problems usually emerge after?

Problem 1: If there's a job offer, I'll have to make a choice.

Problem 2: If there's no job offer.. bummer.

I think the problems lies in me.

sidenote: Good bad dreams last night, last last night and last last last night. Woo hoo.

If I were back there, I'd probably be receiving a " what are you doing litttle mushroom? " just about right now.

And that's all I need.

I miss Mara.

Why dream?

How can nothing be impossible?

Received two emails today that were supposed to be helpful but I couldn't even bring myself to finish reading it.

It looks like I've made the wrong choices again.

How can I not give up when everything ends up the way it is today?

How can I not lose the faith?

What are these aspirations if there's no path towards it?

Did I just spend 22 years living on... clouds?

So wanna be an Ostrich right now.

Think of me, Think of me waking

Silent and resigned.

Imagine me trying too hard

To put you from my mind.

Recall those days, look back on all those times.

Think of those things we'll never do.

There will never be a day

When I won't think of you.

If you ever find a moment,

Spare a thought for me.

Can't help but feel... like in a picture of 5, only 4 is seen.

I'm home.

And pretty much beaten by the whole rush.

Sad to say though, it was a pretty good trip. I got to see lotsa family members whom I've either forgotten about or never knew existed; I got to see how the once lil' babies are now growing to be lil' rascals with really glib tongues; I got to see my uncle once more; and I got to learn alot about the rites, rituals and the lifestyle of the average Malaysian.

All in all, it was a good observation trip, a good cultural experience and despite having been to too many funerals over in Malaysia, I never once felt as happy to have spent some time with the extended family till this trip and this could probably be the last trip I'll feel so content about before I get sucked into the whole need to impress again.

America did do smth to me. Not sure if it's for the better or worse but whichever the case, I don't want this to be a short-term change. I like it this way.

Unfortunately, gatherings like this only comes about during funerals. It's really sad to note that every time we meet, interact and get to know more about each other, there's always one person lesser. Yet it's through trying times like this do we have the opportunity to really spend almost an entire day getting to know each other better.

But what I took home most from this trip is how simple some of the people there can be.. and yet, still be that happy and contented. I know it sounds cliche and all.. of how simplicity = happiness. But this is at a whole new level.

In Thailand and China, simplicity came because some of the people there were too poor to afford expensive, luxurious items. Whereas in Malaysia, as least in this particular aunt's place, the household was rich enough to buy like 3 landed properties, 5 cars, a motorbike and a garden. Yet their priorities were solely on their family and not other techy stuff like the computer. So much so, my aunt's daughter in-law ( I guess that makes her my cousin in-law? REAL PRETTY AND NICE BTW ) didn't even know how to switch on the computer. But they have a happy time sitting by the living room catching a movie together as a family. She works in the day, comes home to a huge pile of housework at night, has 3 kids to take care of ( 2 of her own, and 1 that's her niece ) and she doesn't complain. She smiles all the time, she's sincere in making us feel at home etc etc.. you get the idea.

Thing is, I don't think anyone I know - myself included, can ever be so happy doing shit work like that. Hell, I even complain about having to wash my own dishes. And much more than that, I won't spend the whole day entertaining relatives who comes over to visit. Sometimes, I even go to the extent to turning off the lights in my room to give the impression of being out. But when we were there, everyone came out to entertain us, to bring us around or just to prepare a room for us to rest our heads in.

Sometimes I really wonder if the huge difference is because of the generation gap or because of the different family's upbringing. I think it's a mixture of both but honestly, I blame grandma for a huge portion of how disgusting my immediate family is right now. Day after day, I can't bring myself to show genuine compassion for her and that makes me feel terrible. But she always says things or do things that just turns people off. And if everyone can just turn their backs and walk away from her, why can't I? If I stay, it's only gonna make me follow my mum's footsteps. And I gotta say.. my mum's seriously slowly turning into my grandma which only makes me that much more fearful of becoming them. No joke.

Grandma has to learn to let go to be happy. And so do the rest us.

And I really enjoyed the privacy I got from this trip. Love that I had lotsa time to read my book in the afternoons and that reminded me so much of Yellowstone. So much. Only that, I didn't really finish reading any books up on the mountains. At that time, my mind was so absorbed in formulating a way to stop the time ( or to spend more time with the people there ) that I forgot to stop and smell the roses. See, classic example of having problems letting go. But if you ask me, given the chance, I'ld probably still walk down the same path. Except, maybe I'll give myself an hour a day to talk to my ranger boyfriend.. something I stopped doing by the end of the season.

I suddenly feel like I have so much grievances to write about but I have no idea what to begin with. I think the lack of zzz is really getting to me so I better stop before I start going in larger circles.

Basically, I ..

1) really enjoyed the trip.

2) still miss the times up at Yellowstone.

3) love my free time

4) still wanna break free. [ note to self: rem to visit occasionally. ]

Alright. Enough.

Goodnight.

I just want to tell you nothing

you don't want to hear.

All I want is for you to say..

Why don't you just take me where I've never been before.

I know you want to hear me catch my breath.

Bye Singapore.

If anything happens, you guys know I love you.